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Sir And. 'Slight! will you make an ass o' me? Fab. I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of judgment and reason.
Sir To. And they have been grand jury-men, since before Noah was a sailor.
Fab. She did show favour to the youth in your sight, only to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to put fire in your heart, and brimstone in your liver: You should then have accosted her; and with some excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should have banged the youth into dumbness. This was looked for at your hand, and this was baulked: the double guilt of this opportunity you let time wash off, and you are now sailed into the north of my lady's opinion; where you will hang like an icicle on a Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt, either of valour, or policy.
Sir And. And't be any way, it must be with valour; for policy I hate; I had as lief be a Brownist, as a politician.
Sir To. Why then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight with him; hurt him in eleven places; my niece shall take note of it: and assure thyself, there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's commendation with woman, than report of valour.
Fab. There is no way but this, sir Andrew. Sir And. Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?
Sir To. Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief; it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and full of invention; taunt him with the licence of ink: if thou thou'st him some thrice, it shall not be amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of paper, although the sheet were big enough for the bed of Ware in England, set 'em down; go about it. Let there be gall enough in
thy ink; though thou write with a goose-pen, no matter: About it:
Sir And. Where shall I find you? Sir To. We'll call thee at the cubiculo: Go. [Exit Sir ANDREW. Fab. This is a dear manakin to you, sir Toby. Sir To. I have been dear to him, lad; some two thousand strong, or so.
Enter ANTONIO and SEBASTIAN.
Seb. I would not by my will have troubled you;
Ant. I could not stay behind you; my desire,
My kind Antonio,
Ant. To-morrow, sir; best, first, go see your
Seb. I am not weary, and 'tis long to night;
'Would, you'd pardon me;
1 ao not without danger walk these streets :
Fab. We shall have a rare letter from him: but Might well have given us bloody argument. you'll not deliver it.
Sir To. Never trust me then; and by all means stir on the youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes cannot hail them together. For Andrew, if he were opened, and you find so much blood in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of the anatomy.
Fab. And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty.
It might have since been answer'd in repaying
In the south suburbs, at the Elephant,
Oli. I'll come to him. [Erit Servant.] Good Where's my Maria, let thus fellow be looked to. cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special care of him; I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry.
[Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA. Mal. Oh, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man than sir Toby to look to me? This concurs directly with the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that in the letter. Cast thy humble slough, says she;-be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants, let thy tongue tang with arguments of state, - put thyself into the trick of singularity; and, consequently, sets down the manner how; as, a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have limed her; but it is Jove's doing, and Jove make me thankful! And, when she went away now, Let this fellow be looked to: Fe2ow! not Malvolio, nor after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing adheres together; that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, What no incredulous or unsafe circumstance, can be said? Nothing, that can be, can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
Sir To. Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils in hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him. - How is't with you,
Fab. Here he is, here he is: sir? how is't with you, man? Mal. Go off; I discard you; let me enjoy my private; go off. Mar. Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not I tell you?. Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him. Mal. Ah, ah does she so? Sir To. Go to, go to; peace, peace, we must deal gently with him; let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how is't with you? What, man! defy the devil: consider, he's an enemy to mankind. Mal. Do you know what you say?
Mar. La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart! Pray God, he be not bewitched! Fab. Carry his water to the wise woman.
Mar. Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say.
Mal. How now, mistress?
Mar. O lord!
Sir To. Pr'ythee, hold thy peace; this is not the way: Do you not see, you move him? let me alone with him.
Fab. No way but gentleness; gently, gently:
Mal. Go to: thou art made, if thou desirest to be the fiend is rough, and will not be roughly used.
Sir To. Why, how now, my bawcock? how dost thou, chuck?
Mar. No, I warrant you, he will not hear of god- | challenge by word of mouth; set upon Ague-cheek a liness notable report of valour; and drive the gentleman, (as, I know his youth will aptly receive it,) into a most hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury, and impetuosity. This will so fright them both, that they will kill one another by the look, like cockatrices.
Mal. Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow things: I am not of your element; you shall know more hereafter. [Exit.
Sir To. Is't possible?
Fab. If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.
Sir To. His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.
Mar. Nay, pursue him now; lest the device take air, and taint.
Fab. Why, we shall make him mad, indeed.
Sir To. Come, we'll have him in a dark room, and bound. My niece is already in the belief that he is mad; we may carry it thus, for our pleasure, and his penance, till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to have mercy on him: at which time, we will bring the device to the bar, and crown thee for a finder of madmen. But see, but see. Enter Sir ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.
Fab. More matter for a May morning.
Sir And. Here's the challenge, read it; I warrant, there's vinegar and pepper in't.
Fab. Is't so sawcy?
Sir To. Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't. Fab. A good note: that keeps you from the blow of the law.
Sir To. Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy throat, that is not the matter I challenge thee for.
Fab. Very brief, and exceeding good sense-less. Sir To. I will way-lay thee going home; where if it be thy chance to kill me,
Sir To. Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain. Fab. Still you keep o'the windy side of the law: Good.
Sir To. Fare thee well; And God have mercy upon one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy, ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.
Sir To. If this letter move him not, his legs cannot: I'll give't him.
Mar. You may have very fit occasion for❜t; he is now in some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.
Sir To. Go, sir Andrew; scout me for him at the corner of the orchard, like a bum-bailiff: so soon as ever thou seest him, draw; and, as thou drawest, swear horrible; for it comes to pass oft, that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him. Away.
Sir And. Nay, let me alone for swearing. [Erit. Sir To. Now will not I deliver his letter: for the behaviour of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding; his employment between his lord and my niece confirms no less; therefore this letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth, he will find it comes from a clodpole But, sir, I will deliver his
Enter OLIVIA and VIOLA.
Fab. Here he comes with your niece: give them way, till he take leave, and presently after him. Sir To. I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge.
[Exeunt Sir TOBY, FABIAN, and MARIA. Oli. I have said too much unto a heart of stone, And laid mine honour too unchary out: There's something in me, that reproves my fault; But such a headstrong potent fault it is, That it but mocks reproof.
Vio. With the same 'haviour that your passion bears,
Go on my master's griefs.
Oli. Here, wear this jewel for me, 'tis my picture; Refuse it not, it hath no tongue to vex you: And, I beseech you, come again to-morrow. What shall you ask of me, that I'll deny; That honour, sav'd, may upon asking give? Vio. Nothing but this, your true love for my
Oli. How with mine honour may I give him that Which I have given to you? I will acquit you.
Sir To. Gentleman, God save thee.
Sir To. That defence thou hast, betake thee to't: of what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know not; but thy intercepter, full of despight, bloody as the hunter, attends thee at the orchard end: dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skilful, and deadly.
Vio. You mistake, sir; I am sure, no man hath any quarrel to me; my remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offence done to any man.
Sir To. You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore, if you hold your life at any price, betake you to your guard; for your opposite hath in him what youth, strength, skill, and wrath, can furnish man withal.
Vio. I pray you, sir, what is he?
Sir To. He is knight, dubbed with unhacked rapier, and on carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private brawl; souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and his incensement at this moment is so implacable, that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and sepulchre: hob, nob, is his word; give't, or take't.
Vio. I will return again into the house, and desire some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard of some kind of men, that put quarrels purposely on others, to taste their valour: belike, this is a man of that quirk.
Sir To. Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a very competent injury; therefore, get you on, and give him his desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless you undertake that with me, which with as much safety you might answer him therefore, on, or strip your sword stark naked; for meddia
you must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.
Vio. This is as uncivil, as strange. I beseech you, u me this courteous office, as to know of the knight what my offence to him is; it is something of my negligence, nothing of my purpose. Sir To. I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman till my return. [Exit Sir TOBY. Vio. Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter? Fab. I know, the knight is incensed against you, even to a mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.
Vio. I beseech you, what manner of man is he? Fab. Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by his form, as you are like to find him in the proof of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody, and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria: Will you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him, if I can.
Vio. I shall be much bound to you for't: I am one, that would rather go with sir priest, than sir knight I care not who knows so much of my mettle. [Exeunt.
Re-enter Sir TOBY, with Sir ANDREW. Sir To. Why, man, he's a very devil; I have not seen such a virago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard, and all, and he gives me the stuck-in, with such a mortal motion, that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they step on: They say, he has been fencer to the Sophy.
Sir And. Pox on't, I'll not meddle with him. Sir To. Ay, but he will not now be pacified : Fabian can scarce hold him yonder.
Sir And. Plague on't; an I thought he had been valiant, and so cunning in fence, I'd have seen him damned ere I'd have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip, and I'll give him my horse, gray Capilet.
Sir To. I'll make the motion: Stand here, make a good show on't; this shall end without the perdition of souls: Marry, I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you. [Aside.
Re-enter FABIAN and VIOLA.
I have his horse [to FAB.] to take up the quarrel;
Fab. He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants, and looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.
Sir To. There's no remedy, sir; he will fight with you for his oath sake: marry, he hath better bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking off: therefore draw, for the supportance of his vow; he protests, he will not hurt you.
Vio. Pray God defend me! A little thing would make me tell them how much I lack of a man.
Fab. Give ground, if you see him furious. Sir To. Come, sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with you: he cannot by the duello avoid it; but he has promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he will not hurt you. Come on: to't. Sir And. Pray God, he keep his oath. [Draws.
Ant. Put up your sword;— If this young gentle
Have done offence, I take the fault on me;
Ant. One, sir, that for his love dares yet au inɔre
Enter two Officers.
Fab. O good sir Toby, hold; here come c officers.
Sir To. I'll be with you anon. [TO ANTONIO. Vio. Pray, sir, put up your sword, if you please. [To Sir ANDREW, Sir And. Marry, will I, sir;—and, for that I promised you, I'll be as good as my word: He will bear you easily, and reins well.
1 Off. This is the man; do thy office.
1 Off. No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well, Though now you have no sea-cap on your head. Take him away; he knows, I know him well.
Ant. I must obey.-This comes with seeking you;
2 Off. Come, sir, away.
You stand amaz'd;
Ant. I must entreat of you some of that money.
For the fair kindness you have show'd me here.
I'll lend you something: my having is not much;
Will you deny me now?
I know of none;
Ant. But, Ö, how vile an idol proves this god!-
Vio. I do assure you 'tis against my will. [Draws. Are empty truuks, o'erflourish'd by the devil.
Off. The man grows mad; away with him. Come, come, sir.
Ant. Lead me ..
[Exeunt Officers with ANTONIO. Vio. Methinks, his words do from such passion Aly,
hat he believes himself; so do not I. l'rove true, imagination, O, prove true, That I, dear brother, be now ta'en for you! Sir To. Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian; we'll whisper o'er a couple or two of most sage saws. Vio. He nam'd Sebastian; I my brother know Yet living in my glass; even such, and so, In favour was my brother; and he went Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,
For him I imitate: O. if it prove, Tempests are kind, and sait waves fresh in love! | Exit. Sir To. A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than a hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity, and denying him; and for his cowardship, ask Fabian.
Fab. A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.
Sir And. 'Slid, I'll after him again, and beat him. Sir To. Do, cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.
Sir And. An I do not,
Sir To. I dare lay any money, 'twill be nothing (Exeunt.
SCENE I.-The Street before Olivia s House.
Enter SEBASTIAN and Clown.
Clo. Will you make me believe, that I am not sent for you?
Seb. Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow : Let me be clear of thee.
Clo. Well held out, i'faith! No, I do not know you; nor I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come speak with her; nor your name is not master Cesario; nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing, that is so, is so.
Seb. I pr'ythee, vent thy folly somewhere eise Thou know'st not me.
Clo. Vent my folly! he has heard that word of some great man, and now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly! I am afraid this great lubber, the world, will prove a cockney.—I pr'ythee now, ungird thy strangeness, and tell me what I shall vent to my lady; Shall I vent to her, that thou art coming?
Seb. I pr'ythee, foolish Greek, depart from me; There's money for thee; if you tarry longer, I shall give worse payment.
Clo. By my troth, thou hast an open hand: These wise men, that give fools money, get themselves a good report after fourteen years' purchase.
Enter Sir ANDREW, Sir TOBY, and FABIAN. Sir And. Now, sir, have I met you again? there's for you. [Striking SEBASTIAN.
Seb. Why, there's for thee, and there, and there: Are all the people mad? [Beating Sir ANDREW. Sir To. Hold, sir, or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house.
Clo. This will I tell my lady straight: I would not be in some of your coats for two-pence.
Sir To. Come on, sir; hold.
[Holding SEBASTIAN. Sir And. Nay, let him alone, I'll go another way to work with him; I'll have an action of battery against him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I struck him first, yet it's no matter for that. Seb. Let go thy hand.
Sir To. Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier, put up your iron: you are well fleshed; come on.
Seb. I will be free from thee. thou now?
Oli. Hold, Toby; on thy life, I charge thee, hold. Sir To. Madam?
Oli. Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch, Fit for the mountains, and the barbarous caves, Where manners ne'er were preach'd! out of my sight!
Be not offended, dear Cesario!
Rudesby, be gone! I pr'ythee, gentle friend,
[Exeunt Sir TOBY, Sir ANDREW, and FABIAN. Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway In this uncivil and unjust extent Against thy peace. Go with me to my house; And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks This ruffian hath botch'd up, that thou thereby May'st smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go; Do not deny: Beshrew his soul for me, He started one poor heart of mine in thee.
Seb. What relish is in this? how runs the stream? Or I am mad, or else this is a dream : Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep; If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep! Oli. Nay, come, I pr'ythee: 'Would thou'dst be rul'd by me? Seb. Madam, I will. Oli.
O, say so, and so be! [Exeunt.