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Eva. Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny. Shal. I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.
Eva. Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is good gifts.
Shal. Well, let us see honest master Page: Is Falstaff there?
Eva. Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar, as I do despise one that is false; or, as I despise one that is not true. The knight, sir John, is there; and, I beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door [knocks.] for master Page. What, hoa! Got pless your house here!
Page. Who's there?
Eva. Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and justice Shallow and here young master Slender; that, peradventures, shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your likings.
Page. I am glad to see your worships well: I thank you for my venison, master Shallow.
Shal. Master Page, I am glad to see you; Much good do it your good heart! I wished your venison better; it was ill killed: - How doth good mistress Page? · and I love you always with my heart, la;
with my heart.
Page. Sir, I thank you.
Shal. Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do. Page. I am glad to see you, good master Slender. Slen. How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say, he was out-run on Cotsale.
Page. It could not be judg'd, sir.
tavern, and made me drunk, and afterwards picked my pocket.
Bard. You Banbury cheese!
Pist. How now, Mephostophilus?
Nym Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! that's my humour.
Slen. Where's Simple, my man?
understand that is:
- can you tell
Eva. Peace: I pray you! Now let us understand: There is three umpires in this matter, as I -master Page, fidclicet, master Page; and there is myself, fidelicet, myself; and the three party is, lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter. Page. We three, to hear it, and end it between them. Eva. Ferry goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-book; and we will afterwards 'ork upon the cause, with as great discreetly as we can. Fal. Pistol,
Pist. He hears with ears.
Eva. The tevil with his tam! what phrase is this, He hears with ear? Why, it is affectations.
Fal. Pistol, did you pick master Slender's purse? Slen. Ay, by these gloves, did he, (or I would 1 might never come in mine own great chamber again else,) of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece of Yead Miller, by these gloves. Fal. Is this true, Pistol?
Eva. No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
I combat challenge of this latten bilbo : 'tis Word of denial in thy labras here; Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest. Slen. By these gloves, then 'twas he. Nym. Be advis'd, sir, and pass good humours: I will say, marry trap, with you, if you run the nuthook's humour on me: that is the very note of it.
Page. Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you.
Eva. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak. Shal. He hath wrong'd me, master Page. Page. Sir, he doth in some sort confess it. Shal. If it be confess'd, it is not redress'd; is not that so, master Page? He hath wrong'd me; indeed, he hath; -at a word he hath; - - believe me; Robert Shallow, esquire, saith, he is wrong'd. Page. Here comes sir John.
Enter sir JOHN FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYм, and
Fal. Now, master Shallow; you'll complain of me to the king?
Shal. Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge.
Fal. But not kiss'd your keeper's daughter?
Fal. I will answer it straight; - I have done all this:That is now answer'd.
Shal. The Council shall know this.
Fal. 'Twere better for you, if it were known in counsel you'll be laugh'd at.
Eva. Pauca verba, sir John, goot worts. Fal. Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your head; What matter have you against me? Slen. Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your coney-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol. They carried me to the
Slen. By this hat, then, he in the red face had it : for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
Fal. What say you, Scarlet and John? Bard. Why, sir, for my part, I say, the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences.
Eva. It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is! Bard. And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier'd; and so conclusions pass'd the careires.
Slen. Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick: no matter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.
Eva. So Got 'udge me, that is a virtuous mind. Fal. You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.
Enter Mistress ANNE PAGE with wine; Mistress FORD and Mistress PAGE following. Page. Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within. [Erit ANNE PAGE. Slen. O heaven! this is mistress Anne Page. Page. How now, mistress Ford? Fal. Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met: by your leave, good mistress. [kissing her. Page. Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome : Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner; come gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness. [Exeunt all but SHAL. SLENDER, and Evans.
Slen. I had rather than forty shillings, I had my book of Songs and Sonnets here:
How now, Simple! Were have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not The Book of Riddles about you, have you?
Sim. Book of Riddles! why, did not you lend it to Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore Michaelmas?
Eva. Od's plessed will' I will not be absence at the grace. [Ereunt SHALLOW and Sir H. EVANS. Anne. Will't please your worship to come in, sir? Slen. No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.
Anne. The dinner attends you, sir.
Slen. I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go, wait upon my cousin Shallow: [Erit SIMPLE.] A justice of peace sometime may be beholden to his friend for a man: - - I keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead: But what though? yet I live like a poor gentleman born.
Shal. Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with you, coz marry, this, coz; There is, as 'twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by sir Hugh here ; — Do you understand me? Slen. Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it they will not sit, till you come. be so, I shall do that that is reason.
Shal. Nay, but understand me.
Eva. Give ear to his motions, master Slender: I will description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.
Slen. Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray you, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his country, simple though I stand here.
Eva. But this is not the question; the question is concerning your marriage.
Shal. Ay, there's the point, sir.
Eva. Marry, is it; the very point of it; to mistress Anne Page.
Slen. Why, if it be so, I will marry her, upon any reasonable demands.
Eva. But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command to know that of your mouth, or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold, that the lips is parcel of the mouth;-Therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid?
Shal. Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
Slen. I hope, sir,- I will do, as it shall become one that would do reason.
Eva. Nay, Got's lords and his ladies, you must speak possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards her.
Shal. That you must: Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?
Slen. I will do a greater thing than that, upon your request, cousin, in any reason.
Shal. Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz ; what I do, is to pleasure you, coz: Can you love the maid?
Slen. I will marry her, sir, at your request; but if there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are married, and have more occasion to know one another: I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt: but if you say, marry her, I will marry her, that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.
Eva. It is a fery discretion answer; save, the faul' is in the 'ort dissolutely: the 'ort is, according to our meaning, resolutely;-his meaning is good. Shal. Ay, I think my cousin meant well. Slen. Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la.
Re-enter ANNE PAGE.
Shal. Here comes fair mistress Anne:- Would I were young, for your sake, mistress Anne!
Anne. The dinner is on the table; my father desires your worships' company.
Shal. I will wait on him, fair mistress Anne.
Anne. I may not go in without your worship:
Slen. I'faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as though I did.
Anne. I pray you, sir, walk in.
Slen. I had rather walk here, I thank you; I bruised my shin the other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence, three veneys for a dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? be there bears i' the town.
Anne. I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.
Slen. I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at it, as any man in England: - You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not? Anne. Ay, indeed, sir.
Slen. That's meat and drink to me now: I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times; and have taken him by the chain: but, I warrant you, the women have so cried and shriek'd at it, that it pass'd:-but women, indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill favoured rough things.
Enter Sir HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE.
Eva. Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house, which is the way: and there dwells one mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer. Simp. Well, sir.
Eva. Nay, it is petter yet: - give her this letter; for it is a 'oman that altogether's acquaintance with mistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to desire and require her to solicit your master's desires to mistress Anne Page: I pray you, begone; I will make an end of my dinner; there's pippins and cheese to
Nym. I thank thee for that humour.
Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her
Fal. Mine host of the Garter, Host. What says my bully-rook? Speak scholarly, and wisely.
Fal. Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
Host. Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.
Fal. I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host. Thou 'rt an emperor, Cæsar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap said I well, bully Hector?
Fal. Do so, good mine host.
Host. I have spoke; let him follow: Let me see thee froth, and lime: I am at a word; follow.
[Exit Host. Fal. Bardolph, follow him: a tapster is a good trade: an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered servingman, a fresh tapster: Go; adieu. Bard. It is a life that I have desired; I will thrive. [Exit BARD.
Pist. O base Gongarian wight! spigot wield?
wilt thou the
Pist. Young ravens must have food.
Fal. Which of you know Ford of this town? Pist. I ken the wight; he is of substance good. Fal. My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
Pist. Two yards, and more.
Fal. No quips now, Pistol; Indeed I am in the waist two yards about: but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's wife; I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be English'd rightly, is, I am sir John Falstaff's.
Pist. He hath studied her well, and translated her well; out of honesty into English.
Nym. The anchor is deep: Will that humour pass?
Fal. Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of her husband's purse; she hath legions of angels. Pist. As many devils entertain; and, To her, boy, say I.
Nym. The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.
Fal. I have writ me here a letter to her: and here another to Page's wife; who even now gave me good eyes too, examin'd my parts with most judicious eyliads: sometimes the beam of her view ilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly. Pist. Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning glass! Here's another letter to her she bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheater to them both, and they shall be crchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go, bear thou this letter to mistress Page; and thou this to mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive. Pist. Shall I sir Pandarus of Troy become, And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all' Nym. I will run no base humour: here, take the humour letter; I will keep the 'haviour of reputation. Fal. Hold, sirrah, [to ROB.] bear you these letter tightly;
Sail like my pinnance to these golden shores.
And high and low beguile the rich and poor;
Nym. I have operations in my head, which be humours of revenge.
Pist. Wilt thou revenge?
Nym. By welkin, and her star!
Nym. With both the humours, I:
I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will held,
Nym. My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to deal with poison; I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mien is dangerous: that is my true humour.
Pist. Thou art the Mars of malcontents: I second thee; troop on. [Exeunt.
SCENE IV. —. A Room in Dr. Caius's House.
Enter Mrs. QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY. Quick. What: John Rugby! I pray thee, go
to the casement, and see if you can see my master, master Doctor Caius, coming: if he do, i'faith, and find any body in the house, here will be an old abusing of God's patience, and the king's English. Rug. I'll go watch. [Exit RUGBY
Quick. Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire. An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale, nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is, that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way; but nobody but has his fault; -but let that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is? Sim. Ay, for fault of a better.
Quick. And master Slender's your master?
Quick. Does he not wear a great round beara, like a glover's paring knife?
Sim. No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with a little yellow beard; a Cain-coloured beard
Quick. A softly-sprighted man, is he not? Sim. Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his hands, as any is between this and his head; he hath fought with a warrener. Quick. How say you? O, I should remember him; Does he not hold up his head, as it were? and strut in his gait?
Sim. Yes, indeed, does he.
Quick. Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell master parson Evans, I will do what I can for your master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish
Rug. Out, alas! here comes my master. Quick. We shall all be shent: Run in here, good young man; go into this closet. [Shuts SIMPLE in the closet.] He will not stay long. What, John Rugby! John, what John, I say! Go, John, go enquire for my master; I doubt, he be not well, that he comes not home: and down, down, adown-a, &c. [Sings.
Enter Doctor CAIUS.
Caius. Vat is you sing? I do not like dese toys; Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet un boitier verd; a box, a green-a box; Do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.
Quick. Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you. I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found the young man, he would have been horn-mad. [Aside. Caius. Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m'en vais à la Cour, la grande affaire. Quick. Is it this, sir?
Caius. Ouy; mette le au mon pocket; Depeche, quickly: Vere is dat knave Rugby?
Quick. What, John Rugby! John!
Caius. You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby: Come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to de court.
Rug. 'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
Caius. By my trot, I tarry too long: - Od's me! Qu'ay j'oublié ? dere is some simples in my closet, dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.
Quick. Ah me! he'll find the young man there, and be mad!
Caius. O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villainy! larron! [Pulling SIMPLE out.] Rugby, my rapier.
Quick. Good master, be content. Caius. Verefore shall I be content-a? Quick. The young man is an honest man. Caius. Vat shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet. Quick. I beseech you, be not so flegmatick; hear the truth of it: He came of an errand to me from parson Hugh.
Quick. I am glad he is so quiet: if he had been thoroughly moved, you should have neard him so loud, and so melancholy; But notwithstanding, man, I'll do your master what good I can: and the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my master, I may call him my master, look you, for I keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds, and do all myself:
Sim. 'Tis a great charge, to come under one body's hand.
Quick. Are you avis'd o'that? you shall find it a great charge: and to be up early and down late; but notwithstanding, (to tell you in your ear; I would have no words of it ;) my master himself is in love with mistress Anne Page: but notwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind, that's neither here
Caius. You jack'nape; give-a dis letter to sir Hugh; by gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in de park; and I vill teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make: - you may be gone; it is not good you tarry here: - by gar, I vill cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to trow at his dog. [Exit SIMPLE.
Quick. Alas, he speaks but for his friend. Caius. It is no matter-a for dat: do not you tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? by gar, I will kill de Jack Priest; and I have appointed mine host of de Jarterre to measure our weapon : — by gar, I vill myself have Anne Page.
Quick. Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well we must give folks leave to prate: What, the good-jer!
Caius. Rugby, come to de court vit me: By gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my door : — Follow my heels, Rugby.
[Exeunt CAIUS and RUGBY. Quick. You shall have An fools-head of your own. No, I know Anne's mind for that: never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne's mind, than I do nor can do more than I do with her, I thank heaven.
Fent. [Within.] Who's within there? ho! Quick. Who's there, I trow? Come near the house, I pray you.
Fent. How now, good woman; how dost thou Quick. The better, that it pleases your good worship to ask.
Fent. What news? how does pretty mistress Anne?
Quick. In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest and gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by the way; I praise heaven for it.
Fent. Shall I do any good, think'st thou ? Shall I not lose my suit?
Quick. Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: bu notwithstanding, master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book, she loves you: Have not your worship a wart above your eye?
Fent. Yes, marry, have I; what of that? Quick. Well, thereby hangs a tale ; — good faith, it is such another Nan; - but, I detest, an honest maid as ever broke bread : - -We had an hour's talk of that wart: I shall never laugh but in that maid's company! But, indeed, she is given too much to allicholly, and musing: But for you — Well, go to.
Fent. Well, I shall see her to-day; Hold, there's money for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if thou seest her before me, commend me
Quick. Will I? i'faith, that we will; and I will tell your worship more of the wart, the next time we have confidence; and of other wooers.
Fent. Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.
Quick. Farewell to your worship. - Truly, an honest gentleman; but Anne loves him not; for I know Anne's mind as well as another does :- Out [Erit. upon't! what have I forgot?
SCENE I.- Before Page's House.
Enter Mistress PAGE, with a Letter. Mrs. Page. What! have I 'scap'd love-letters in the holy-day time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me see: [Reads.
Ask me no reason why I love you; for though love use reason for his precisian, he admits him not t for his counsellor: You are not young, no more am I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry, so am I ; Ha ha! then there's more sympathy: you love sack, and so do I; Would you desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, mistress Page, (at the least, if the love of a soldier can suffice,) that I love thee. I will not say, pity me, 'tis not a soldier-like phrase; but I say, love me. By me,
Thine own true knight, By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might,
What a Herod of Jewry is this? O wicked, wicked world!-one that is well nigh worn to pieces with age, to show himself a young gallant! What an unweighed behaviour hath this Flemish drunkard picked (with the devil's name) out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What should I say to him?- I was then frugal of my mirth: - heaven forgive me! - Why I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men. How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
Enter Mistress FORD.
Mrs. Ford. Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house!
Mrs. Page. And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very ill.
Mrs. Ford. Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.
Mrs. Page. 'Faith, but you do, in my mind. Mrs. Ford. Well, I do, then; yet, I say, I could show you to the contrary: O, mistress Page, give me some counsel!
Mrs. Page. What's the matter, woman?
Mrs. Ford. O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such honour!
Mrs. Page. Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour: What is it? dispense with trifles ; · what is it?
Mrs. Ford. If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment, or so, I could be knighted.
Mrs. Page. What? thou liest !-Sir Alice Ford! These knights will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry.
Mrs. Ford. We burn day-light: - here, read, read; perceive how I might be knighted. — I shall think the worse of fat men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of men's liking: And yet he would not swear; praised women's modesty: And gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words: but they do no more adhere and keep place together than the hundredth psalm to the tune of Green sleeves. What tempest, I trow, threw this whale with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
Mrs. Page. Letter for letter; but that the name of Page and Ford differs! - To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for different names, (sure more,) and these are of the second edition: He will print them out of doubt; for he cares not what he puts into the press when he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess, and lie under mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles, ere one chaste man.
Mrs. Ford. Why this is the very same; the very hand, the very words: What doth he think of us?
Mrs. Page. Nay, I know not: It makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
Mrs. Ford. Boarding, call you it? I'll be sure to keep him above deck.
Mrs. Page. So will I; if he come under my hatches, I'll never to sea again. Let's be reveng'd on him: let's appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in his suit; and lead him on with a fine baited delay, till he hath pawn'd his horses to mine Host of the Garter.
Mrs. Ford. Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against him, that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! it would give eternal food to his jealousy.
Mrs. Page. Why, look, where he comes; and my good man too; he's as far from jealousy, as I am from giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance.
Mrs. Ford. You are the happier woman. Mrs. Page. Let's consult together against this greasy knight: Come hither. [They retire.
Enter FORD, PISTOL, PAGE, and NYм.