CHAPTER 44

MY CHANCE IS GONE!"

PAUL drew a long sigh, opened his eyes slowly, and let his gaze wander about. The first thing he noticed was Thalia, sitting by the open hearth, her face turned slightly away from him. Was she thinner and paler than last night, or did he merely imagine it? He tried to lift his head: he could not; and the effort exhausted him. Strange! He tried to raise his hand: in vain. What could it mean? Then he remembered that he had not gone to bed in that room the night before. And why was he in bed so late this morning? All strange, very strange.

66 Thalia."

The word was hardly audible. He was shocked by the sound of his own voice, so weak and faint. But the ear of the wife was alert. Quickly she rose and walked to the bedside. Tears were in her eyes. She seemed strangely agitated, almost overcome-by what? She took one of his hands in hers and placed her other hand upon his brow. Tenderly, yearningly she looked down into his eyes.

Please don't try to talk," she said; "just lie still and rest."

She stroked his brow soothingly-that dear touch that always quieted him. He closed his eyes like a sleepy babe, and stopped trying to understand. Presently she gave him milk, without raising his head. Again he felt her gentle touch on his brow, till he slept. When he awoke he saw two was yes, it was Dr. Gardner. tone to Thalia. What was that "The crisis is past; but don't let him talk, or think either, if you can help it, for a day or two."

figures in the room. One He was talking in a low he was saying?

That sounded odd. Paul even smiled to himself a shadow of a smile at hearing such words.

Then Dr. Gardner went out, and Thalia glided to the bedside. Her face lighted as she saw his eyes turned upon her.

"What day is this?" he asked half dreamily.

Tuesday," she answered, after an instant.

66

A CONSPIRACY BETRAYED

299

Tuesday," he repeated, slowly. "Then I have been sick-and for a whole week-and I am so tired!"

Tears of self-pity filled his eyes.

"We will not talk about that just now, dear," she said, laying her cheek against his. "You are to keep very still now, and not talk, or even think if you can help it. When you get a little stronger I will tell you all about it."

And so he lay listless and quiet, satisfied as long as she was by him. After a few moments he suddenly opened his eyes again.

66

And the children?" he said inquiringly.

"All well and jolly."

Then he had more milk, and after a little time went to sleep again.

The next morning Harlow and Guy were allowed to come in and see papa for a few moments. Afterward the mother

brought baby Paula in her arms.

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How she is growing," murmured the father as the wee chubby hand clasped his fleshless finger.

Thalia smiled, a peculiar smile he thought, but she said nothing.

The second day thereafter, while Thalia was out of the room, Guy opened the door softly, peeped in, and saw his father awake. He slipped back, but presently returned, dragging a small hand-sled.

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See here, papa," he exclaimed in childish glee, “here is my new sled that I got when my birthday was.'

Paul started.

"When did you get it, my boy?" he asked.

"At my birthday, last week," replied Guy. "Doctor Ned brought it to me. It's going to be Christmas pretty soon after a while, and I guess I'm going to get a new whip then, and drive Harlow for my horsey. But Santa Claus won't bring the whip, 'cause he isn't any. He's just a playman, like Jack Frost when the grass is all white."

Paul heeded not the prattle that followed the answer to his question. Guy's birthday. That was the 28th of November. Paul's head began to whirl.

Thalia entered the room, surprised to find Guy there with his sled.

"Let him stay, please," said Paul. Then he looked at Thalia a little wildly and asked: What day of the month is this, and what month?"

She colored, and hesitated.

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'Guy said he got this sled on his birthday," continued Paul.

"Yes," said Thalia, softly. "To-day is the sixth day of the month, Paul, the sixth of December."

"And I have been sick, delirious, for a whole month!" "Yes, dear. Dr. Gardner said you had better not be told until you got stronger. But Guy has betrayed the conspirators.

She smiled and patted the boy's head as he clung about her skirts. Then she talked of the children and drew Paul's mind away from the revelation that Guy had forced her to make.

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On a Sunday morning two months later Paul sat before the grate in an easy chair, with Thalia beside him. She was scanning a New York daily and giving him the cream of the news, as he had formerly read to her. Something in the Woman's Column" roused her resentment. Paul looked at her, and thought of the day when she had stirred his heart years before-the day when she rescued the little child from its heartless nurse; and he thought how very little older she looked now than then, though riper and more womanly-yes, and a thousandfold sweeter and more lovely to his eyes. Then he thought of himself and his physical condition. Had he or had he not wronged this woman by marrying her? And would he ever again be well and strong? For the last few days, look where he would, these questions had stared him in the face.

By a few judicious comments and hints Paul led Thalia on to talk about the topic that had arrested her interest. Finally he placed his hand on hers, looked into her eyes, and said:

"Write out what you have said, wife; we'll see if it isn't marketable."

Her eyes opened very wide at this suggestion. She had sometimes written little articles on home topics for the Journal when he was connected with it, but had never dreamed of trying to turn her thoughts into dollars. Now there was need of all that could be earned by whatever plan. With all her care and economy, their store of savings was growing smaller day by day. She had scarcely a hope that she could write anything that would bring money.

A HOPELESS STRUGGLE

301 But Paul wanted her to try, and it would do no harm to make the effort. Two days later the article was ready, having been carefully edited by Paul, and he enclosed it to the paper that he thought most likely to accept it—" least likely to reject it," was the way Thalia put it. She always held herself prepared for the worst, as he always expected the best; and so, while his disappointments were nearly always discouraging, hers were oftener pleasant. But in this case even Paul's brightest hopes were more than realized by the receipt of what was to their eyes a handsome enclosure, and, best of all, a warm commendation of the article and a request for more of the same sort.

And so it came about that as Paul laid the pencil down, Thalia took it up.

Paul gained in strength, but slowly, very slowly, in spite of the best care that Thalia and Dr. Gardner could give him. Some weeks the improvement was almost imperceptible. As spring wore on, however, his progress was more rapid, and he grew hopeful that by autumn he would be ready to return to the desk. The greater part of the summer was spent at Thalia's childhood home and with the Willetts. September came, they returned to their home in L—, and still Paul dared not undertake steady work. He did a little desultory newspaper writing on sundry topics, and completed a couple of magazine articles for which he had been collecting material for some time. But with all Thalia's writing and his own, their income barely met present needs; and he was using up all his resources for such work available without further research, for which he had neither strength nor opportunity.

With the on-coming of winter, Paul not only failed to hold his own but began to lose ground. He had neither the money nor the inclination to seek a warmer climate, despite Thalia's anxiety for him to do so; and Dr. Gardner was doubtful whether the benefits of such change would not be more than counterbalanced by the loss of home and Thalia's watchful care.

One morning in December, a bright, frosty morning, the air dry and tingling, the crisp snow crackling musically at each step, Paul walked down to Dr. Gardner's office. But he did not move along with his old time brisk, buoyant, vigorous step; and he looked discouraged, depressed, des

pondent. Dr. Gardner greeted him cordially, and drew the most comfortable chair near the grate for him. Paul answered his inquiries in a listless, spiritless manner, and then broke in abruptly, with nervous energy.

"Ned," he said, "when it's convenient I want you to give me a thorough physical examination, and then I want you to tell me the truth; not only what you find but what you suspect, and what you think the outlook is for me."

A shadow passed over Dr. Gardner's face, a look of concern and even pain, Paul thought.

"I have been hoping against hope," Paul went on, "and shutting my eyes to the facts; but it's no use. I am going down hill again; not yet mentally, but physically; not with a sudden fall, as before, but slowly, steadily, surely. I know it, and you know it; and she suspects it. Now, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's uncertainty about anything that concerns me where certainty is to be had. I want the dividing line between the knowable and the unknowable located as definitely as possible. This uncertainty is wearing me out worse than the worst certainty could."

You have merely anticipated me, Paul," said Dr. Gardner, after a moment's silence. "I decided several days ago that I would take the first opportunity to make such an examination. I have known you so long and intimately that I think I understand your condition pretty well already. Still, I want to take a full look at you.'

66 When?"

"As well now as any other time. Step into the next room and lie down ten or fifteen minutes, till I return." Ned took his hat and strode out. Paul's eyes followed the strong, well built man as he walked across the floor. "Why am I not such a man?" thought Paul, a little bitterly; "whose the fault?"

But he was too languid to carry on the inquiry. Besides, he had already pursued it as far as he cared to. So he went and lay down as Ned had directed. Returning, Ned entered upon the examination, in a leisurely way, partly because he preferred to go at such a matter leisurely and partly in order not to tire Paul. He also asked a great number of searching questions, of some of which Paul understood the drift, while of others he did not. Paul was conscious throughout that it was Dr. Gardner instead of his friend Ned with whom he was now dealing; that friendship