things only-viz., motors, oil, and Ann. John's idea of paradise is to bury himself up to the neck in the reeking intestines of his enormous car, and, while performing operations upon the thing with spanners, to cover himself with grease, and to lecture, in technical language, upon the various symptoms of the case to a bored and totally uncomprehending wife. Thus when John understood that the car was to take part in the expedition, he flamed into enthusiasm at once. For myself, I was sorry to lose the mules. I like and understand mules, while motors are a dark mystery to me. I consider motors are worse than horses. However, I knew enough by then not to argue with Ann. "We'll hire a van for a month," said she. "And first of all, we'll go to Derbyshire, because it's wild and moory and full of mountains. I've motored through there before, and it's lovely." I am accustomed to the organisation of expeditions, so I volunteered to organise this one. "It always pays," said I, "to travel light, and to carry only those things which make one independent of the inhabitants. a We'll take blanket each, and I won't need a tent during May in England, surely? I'll sleep under the van. We'll want three good knives, a fork or two and a spoon, three mugs, a fryingpan, a Kaffir pot, an axe, a kettle, and a bucket. For grub we'll take a sack of flour, a side of bacon, salt, sugar, tea, baking powder or Eno's, and a sack of potatoes and onions. A little rice or oatmeal is useful, but not necessary; and I never travel without raisins. Mountains and moors, you say? That sounds like birds, so I'll take a gun as well as my rifle. There shouldn't be any fly about, so we needn't take nets. There's nothing more, except soap and matches, of course. And don't bring a change of clothes, because, I assure you, it's much easier to wash a shirt than carry about a spare one. When shall we start? are preserved. You'd get run in. And if you take my tip, you'll certainly have a tent. You simply can't sleep out-ofdoors in England. I know. I've tried it. Somebody stole my boots, a goat ate most of my breeches, and a cow woke me up in the middle of the night and nearly scared me to death. She was licking my face. So you believe me and have a tent, or you'll regret it. And as for not taking a change of togs and things, that's all rot. Hang it all! let's be comfortable. There'll be room in the van for loads of odds, junk, and muckings. You let me look after that part of the show, old man. I do believe you'd even grudge me my pyjamas!" I mention this conversation to show that I can in no way be held responsible for the extraordinary outfit which drew up outside Ann's door at 5 o'clock one dark and rainy May morning. I had been waiting on the doorstep since 4 A.M., that being the hour appointed by John for the start, because, as he said, Ann has never towed a trailer before; but she insists on driving, so we'd better get out of town before all the traffic starts." John, I fear, is not a trained observer, otherwise he would have noted that his his city's traffic begins to flow past his own front door at some time prior to 4 A.M. At that hour a steady stream of carts and lorries sets in along the street to the southward, while an intermittent drift of pedestrians trickles past from the north and west. The pedestrians, curiously enough, have all one very strongly marked characteristic. They are all, I noted, in a very great hurry; yet each man has from five to fortyfive minutes to waste, and is eager and anxious to waste them. If you do not believe this, I suggest you try an experiment. Station yourself, at four in the morning, at any doorway in Gower Street, and deposit there a roll of blankets with a fry-pan and billy on top. Take a three-legged Kaffir pot and sit on it; and if you are wearing a beard and a wide Stetson hat, so much the better. You will then discover that every single person proceeding along the street will stop and gaze at you-with awe at first, then with wonder, and finally with derisive disapprobation. In ten minutes the crowd of your admirers will block the near pavement; and in twenty minutes it will extend half-way across the road. And if a long, low, powerful-looking chassis, with a disreputable old Ford body strapped on to it then appears, towing behind it a little house on wheels, then you may rely upon it that Gower Street will fill with people from side to sideand from end to end, too, probably,-although I am not certain about this latter point, because a policeman arrived just then and made himself officious. What have you been up to this time? Is that your gear? What's that rum-looking pot with the little legs? What do you think of this for a crosscountry car? Has Ann got up yet?" "Replying to your queries in due order," I said, "the answer to the first is in the negative. I have been sitting here quietly for one hour— waiting. This is my usual camping outfit, and that is a Kaffir pot. As for the car, why have you taken off the mudguards and body? I think you have successfully ruined the looks of a once beautiful vehicle. And there are signs of Ann at all, although I have shouted outside her door at least thrice." "The lazy little wretch," said John. "I turned out when you did, and rushed off to get this outfit from the garage, and she said she was getting up then. Here! I'll rouse her.' John fell over a heap of hampers, bags, and bundles, which he had piled up in the hall the night before, and then ran upstairs, with shoutings. I looked at that heap of baggage, and experienced, not for the first time, certain misgivings. It was a very big heap, and when I looked at the caravan it seemed a very small caravan. It was about 10 feet long and six feet wide, with a door at the back and little windows at each side. I opened the door of the thing and explored. The place was a miracle. Along each side were plush 66 covered settles which were supposed to pull out and turn into beds. A carpet! Curtains! Electric light! As I live by bread, the thing was lighted by electricity. There was an oil-stove in a recess, and also an ice-chest. And cupboards, fitted amazingly with trouserclips! Trouser-clips clutching glasses, cups, pots, and jugs -a complete set, in fact, of crockery and cooking utensils, but all of small doll's-house size. I thanked the gods, therefore, that I had insisted on bringing my own camp gear, in spite of all opposition, and the fact that the following words appeared (twice) in the book of instructions supplied by the caravan people. Each van," they wrote, "is replete with every possible convenience. A very full and complete outfit is supplied, and everything that the heart of a camper can desire will be found (securely clipped, so that they cannot rattle) inside the van's many and commodious cupboards." In spite of this confident assertion, the only really serviceable article I could discover in the whole affair was one canvas bucket, and my misgivings concerning the success of the expedition were beginning to weigh heavily upon me-when John appeared. John handed in a spare tyre, two tins of petrol, one tin of lubricating oil (leaking), a Dutch cheese, a fur coat, and three cushions. John said, of two obese rolls of bedding, one cooked ham (naked), one rubber hot-water bottle, dog basket, an umbrella, two pairs of shoes, and three camp-stools. John said, "Stow 'em so that they'll balance. She's only on two wheels remember. Have you noticed the lights?" John's second load consisted slewed half left and jammed there, grunting. John said, "You can't go astern. It puts the van brakes on automatically." A policeman said, "Back up, back up. What are yer playin' at? " Ann said, "I can't back. What have you done to the car, John? The floor boards have fallen out now, and if I let go the wheel or take my feet off the pedals, I'll fall through and run over myself." The impatient traffic of all Euston and the Tottenham Court Road piled up about us, chafing, and there were horn blowings and cursings. Also there were jeers. "Blime!" bawled a 'bus conductor, "’ere's a blinking circus." Not it, it ain't," said the coster, fastening a burning gaze on me. "It's a blooming Zoo on wheels, that's what it is. There's lions in that little cage behind, I bet-cher. And what price the ugly old gorilla in the back seat. Will you look at 'is bleedin' whiskers ! " The chief components of the third load were one can of kerosene, two loaves, a burst bag of potatoes, one large box of assorted groceries, two dozen eggs in a paper bag, more cushions, one leather dressingcase, some loose potatoes, and a deck chair. John said, Woosh! some armful. Look out for the eggs. Ann is getting up now. She says we've been so long stowing things that we'd better have breakfast before we start. And she wants to know if there's a mirror in the van, because, if not, I'm to get one." 66 The fourth load-but no. You would not believe it. Suffice it to say there were eight loads, each more wonderful than the last, and that, when they were all in, the van was full and running over. John said, That seems to be about the lot, except for Ann's things and the dog and some odds and ends that are bound to turn up when we start. Let's feed." We got under way eventually at nine o'clock. It was raining hard, but Ann drove off at speed. At the end of Gower Street we became involved with a coster's cart, a furniture van, and four busses. Ann stopped and reversed, and the caravan 66 The policeman now became annoyed with us, but not for long, because my niece Ann has a way with her which policemen apparently cannot resist. So in a little while the arm of the law waved and cleared a way for us, and we left that place amid cheerings. We proceeded at speed-at great speed, in spite of the trailer and its load. Ann's car is very powerful, and though Ann is so small that she has to peer through the lower half of the steering-wheel to see what is before her, yet she drives habitually as if she were appeared, however, for some reason, to desire exceedingly to get out; but I restrained him, and we proceeded. Indeed, inside that van it seemed as though we were proceeding a she-angel fleeing from the improper advances of the devil. That is how she drives. Now, I can put up with speed-qua speed-for an indefinite period, and I can sit still (though pushing with my feet) for several at greater speed than ever. hours while death and calamity flash by, missing me merely by inches. But it seems I cannot endure four unguarded wheels flinging mud and road sweepings over me for more than one hour. At any rate, at the end of that time I protested. "Stop!" I said. "It's all very well for you two, sitting there behind that wind-screen, but it's pure hell in this back seat. The wheels have been showering filth into my face ever since we started. I can understand you changing the body, John; but why, in heaven's name, take off the mud-guards too?" "We'll be going through fields and gates and ditches and things," replied John," and I wanted to make sure we didn't get any of her paintwork dented. You are in a mess, though. Here, change places with me." "No," I said. "No. Until the rain stops and the roads get dry I'm going to join Lum Fat and travel in the van. I ought to have thought of that before." Lum Fat, I have forgotten to mention, is an elderly Pekingese gentleman who belongs to Ann, and who goes wherever she goes. He is a friend of mine too, and when I opened the door of the van he seemed very pleased to see me. He The motion in there was astounding. We jolted and lurched, we bounced and wriggled; we pitched like a North Sea drifter pounding into steep head seas, and we rolled as if we were running our easting down through the Roaring Forties. Sometimes we did all these things at once, and then the result was terrific. I had entered the van with thoughts of a quiet pipe out of the wind; but I took one puff and then put that pipe away; for, in the words of a New Caledonian boy I once owned, "Belly belong me no good. Him walk about plenty too much." Now, I am a good sailor, and I pride myself on the fact. I have never been sea-sick in my life, and I boast about it. And I remembered I had so boasted before Ann. The van swayed sickeningly around a bend, and I found myself striving fiercely with the patent fastenings of the side window. It was a very ingenious patent, though, and its mysteries defeated me. I turned to the door, at which my Chinese friend was SO desperately clawing that I saw he would eject himself, regardless of all consequences, the instant I opened it. Just then he threw up his head, and I thought he was going to howl. But it was otherwise with him. |