Page images
PDF
EPUB

and then grant you a gracious visit of his love, and give you the life and light of real vital faith, to trace a glorious measure of the happiness you are heirs unto, and that he may give you returning sips of grace by the way, as your need may require, is the prayer of your fellow traveller in tribulation and joy,

AN OLD SOLDIER.

AN ENCOURAGING TESTIMONY.

(A Letter.)

To my dearly-beloved Father (Mr. Gadsby) in the Lord Jesus Christ, whom I love in the truth, and not I only, but also they who, like me, have been blessed by God through you, that have known the truth. Mercy and peace rest upon you from God our Father and Jesus Christ his dear Son, through the rich anointing of the Holy Ghost. The command of God through the apostle Paul must be the only excuse I have to offer for thus presuming to write unto you. But when I consider what I have been, and what I still am in myself, I must say, Why is it that the servant of the Lord should deign to be troubled by me? But still, "the labourer is worthy of his hire," and I am directed by the exhortation of Paul the aged, to communicate that which I have received of the word of life to him that teacheth; especially as it is one of the richest blessings that our blessed and adorable Jesus can grant in this time state, even the knowledge of salvation by the forgiveness of sins through the redemption that is in his name, by the shedding of his precious blood. And, dear Sir, that you may rejoice with them that do rejoice, permit me, unworthy as I am, briefly to relate the loving-kindness of the Lord toward me. In doing which, may the good Lord perform his promise of sending his blessed Spirit of truth as my remembrancer, to bring to my mind all that he hath said unto me.

You will, in the outline of this letter, perceive the sovereignty, mercy, unchangeableness, truth, and faithfulness of our long-suffering God and Father. Like Timothy, I was brought up under the word of God, and as it respects the letter thereof, I may be said to have known it from my youth. My mother, with whom I was left at the age of three years, professed godliness, and used constantly to attend the ministry of the late W. Huntington, and whether it was by what I heard and diligently attended to or not, I cannot tell; but I was the subject of great terror at times; and though so young as nine years, I can well remember the awful and dreadful images and punishments that would be present to my mind, insomuch that I have cried out with horrible fear, and even run from my bed to avoid, as I thought, the danger. I mention thus much of my childhood, as I now believe the Lord did then plant in my heart the love of his written word, though I knew it not; and by it I believe he intended to show me in after times the rich consolations it was calculated to afford to one who, like me, has been called to pass through fire and water in the sharpest manner. I shall pass on through the years of childhood, only observing that at eleven years old I went to sea, where I soon manifested the abominable depravity of a heart that has since proved to be deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. The thoughts of my awful wickedness fill me with self-abhorrence and deep humility, when the good Lord gives me a faith's view of bleeding Calvary. But to

proceed. You have read the black list of crimes by Paul, in the Epistle to the Galatians. I not only have read them there, but have really practised them, and every other species of crime under the sun. My horrid blasphemies of tongue were proverbial among my shipmates, and mercies and judgments did not move me; so true it is, that fill God is pleased effectually to call by grace, the sinner will not, and cannot obey any voice but Satan's. From this period till I was about twentythree, I went on fulfilling the desires of the flesh in all its lusts. Sometimes, however, I had the terrors of hell upon me, and this made me think of my past life, and I often have gnawed my lips, and gritted my teeth together with the pain that the thoughts of eternal damnation did create. At such times I would cry out in the bitterness of my soul for God to pardon my sins that were past. I would promise to reform, and sin no more, but still had no idea of anything but God's mercy, how those I bad committed were to be disposed of. This I know, that the thought of punishment always was attended with hard thoughts of God. I had no love mixed with all my feelings of remorse; nothing but self-pity, and a shrinking from the thought of what I had to suffer. I was afraid of the light, and therefore was not long in banishing those unpleasant intruders, and always became tenfold worse than before. I have not yet been decided whether they were part of God the Spirit's work; but I sometimes think not, by what I have since experienced, as it respects repentance unto life.

About the above age, twenty-three, I was a prisoner of war in France, (glorious link in God's providence over me!) and having spent the day in gambling, had retired to my bed to meditate fresh schemes for next day's sport, without the least thought of my state as a sinner, when, "wonder, O heavens! and be astonished, O earth!" my mind was suddenly arrested with a terrible gloom of horror, mixed with the sudden glare of conviction of the sin of ingratitude to my earthly parent, and the addition of every other flashed into my mind with the inexpressible rapidity of lightning. In one moment of time, I was surrounded with all the terrors that such multiplied and aggravated sins may be supposed to produce, for I cannot fully express them, but the effect I well remember. I cried unto God, not as I had done before, but that he would be merciful to me, the vilest of the vile; and, O Lord, said I, keep me for the future thyself, by the power of thy Spirit, in thy fear. I felt a conviction, that if it depended on my own strength I should surely turn again to folly, and this thought was death to me. Indeed, I would sooner have died than have done so. I prayed the Lord rather to take me from the world than suffer me to sin again. But this was only the manifestation of actual transgression; the heart itself was not known. Bless his precious name, he giveth here a little and there a little, for had he added this sight, as I have since experienced, I should certainly, judging of my feelings at that time, have sunk into black despair, and no doubt have destroyed myself. But he mixed with my distress a little hope, and though that hope had no certainty for its foundation, it buoyed my soul up, and led me to search the word of God for some comfort. this prison there was a company of poor sinners who assembled together to worship God. I crept in amongst them, as one every way unworthy to be in the same place with them; but I wanted rest, and the means of grace seemed to me the only way in which I felt any abatement of my extreme misery; and so ignorant was I, that I did not understand how I could be saved, or by what means; but salvation was what I thirsted after, morning, noon, and night, and I can

In

truly say, that sin in any shape was my greatest burden. After some time the Lord showed unto me, by reading his word and hearing it preached, the way of salvation more fully; that is to say, I began to have some conceptions of Christ Jesus and his work, in his life, sufferings, and death; as also, that if forgiven, it must be through his merits; and also, that I must have a righteousness in order that I might stand justified before a holy God; but how to obtain these I knew not. It is true, indeed, I heard it must be by faith; but I found I could not believe, and this brought me into great distress, and I cried unto the Lord that he would give me that faith that was his own work. The Lord now began to break up to my view, and feelings too, the iniquities of my heart; these I strove hard to subdue, by fasting, prayer, and will worship, for if any poor legal soul among the Hebrews strove to work out a righteousness of his own, I did. But no sooner had I, as I thought, attained to any degree of holiness, than some thought, word, action, or motive, swept away that refuge of lies, and I appeared ten times worse than before. In all this time my earnest desire was that God would be pleased to reveal to me my interest in the Lord Jesus Christ, and I vainly supposed that he would speak from heaven to me. I began now to be sorely tried upon those two extremes, free-will and God's choice, and according to my ignorance, I supposed they were both clear in God's word. Election, I saw, was so, and I never durst deny it, but my heart revolted at it, and I could not but think it unjust. Sore have been my trials on this head, lest I should not be of the number, and many times have I thought of giving it all up, and striving and seeking no more. Thus I went on for many a long month and year, till I returned to England, at the peace, being miserable in proportion as my knowledge increased. I attended the ministry of Mr. Bailey, at Zoar Chapel, under whom the Lord did wonderfully lead me to see that the Spirit of all grace was working in me, and he gave me sufficient faith to believe that he would complete what he had begun. I thus was kept hoping and looking for the evidence which my soul thirsted for. About this time I joined the church, and was baptized by Mr. B., and I have often been much comforted with the consolation he at times afforded me. After this time I was called to pass through many severe trials in providence, so as often to need bread, through the want of employment, all which was a great addition to my misery, as it produced a great deal of rebellion and fretfulness against God. I seldom thought of what he had done for me, and I insensibly fell into a lukewarm and indifferent state. My whole time was occupied with thinking how I should increase my means of subsistence, and the Lord permitted me to have the desire of my heart, and raised up a friend who put me in business; and a very pretty one I made of it; for I gave up all the means, and still found that by rising early and getting, I got poorer in circumstances, and much poorer in soul; so that I fretted against God, and I reaped the fruit of my doings. When I found things thus, I fled to the world to stifle those thoughts that would constantly hang upon my mind. I at last obtained the situation I now hold, as labourer in the East India warehouses; and here it was that I wholly and totally backslided from the profession I had so long made. I joined the wicked in all their ways, and was truly filled with my own, sinning against the light of the gospel, which yet constantly followed me to all my amusements. I even dared to stifle these feelings by trying if I could not believe that all I had experienced was a delusion, and the work of my own fancy; but one thing I could not shake off, "The wages of sin is death," Ah! thought

I, true it is; and condemnation followed me so closely, that my mind began to tremble at what I had done. I at times endeavoured to reason myself into the belief that all that was stated respecting Christ and his work, and the Holy Spirit and his work, had no foundation in truth, the enemy and unbelief suggesting that the believing of them was what produced my misery. God at last laid stripe upon stripe upon me, and I found, by bitter experience, that it is an evil and bitter thing to sin against God in his gospel. During the whole of this time I never was without the testimony of conscience against my evil ways; so that with the afflicting dispensation without, and the continual ringing of condemnation within, I felt a hell upon earth, and have often in the bitterness of soul wished I was a brute. I desired to return, but the remembrance of my sins deterred me, and I kept far from all who were godly, lest they should suspect I had ever professed Christ. This I did that the cause of Christ might not suffer through me. But how unsearchable are the ways of the Lord! The very means I adopted to keep from him were expressly those he used to bring me back; and while I was endeavouring to hide myself, he brought me to light by discoursing with the infidels among whom I was placed; and although I was sinning against the light of the Lord, their horrid blasphemies would yet sometimes draw forth from my lips some vindication of our blessed Jesus and his truth; in the doing of which the Lord brought about two things, which, bless his long-suffering mercy, led to a third, for which I shall praise him to all eternity. The one was, that while he enabled me to silence, by the force of truth, those adversaries, my own soul was convinced and judged, as it respected its own state, which produced godly sorrow, and a seeking again the face of the Lord; the other was, that it disclosed my real character to one that I had been most anxious to conceal myself from. This man, a dear and beloved vessel of mercy, sought me out continually, and, in the spirit of meekness, endeavoured to restore one whom he rightly judged had fallen by his iniquities, and who was not happy therein. My soul was knit unto him, and he drew from me a full disclosure of all, and in the bitterness of my soul I poured forth my doubts and fears; but he was enabled, from the faithfulness of God, to encourage me to hope in the Lord. Having encouraged me to lay all my case before the Lord, he informed me where my dear pastor, Mr. W. preached. I attended like a condemned criminal; and, after a variety of conflicts with the enemy and unbelief, I was enabled to trace the way the Lord had led me, and in godly sorrow, flowing from a sense of injured love, I wept over the sorrows of my dear Lord, and found that love shed abroad in my heart which enabled me with patience to endure the indignation of the Lord. I hasten to communicate, that after waiting and expecting the manifestation of pardoning love, in great distress because I found it not, you, dear Sir, came to town, and, in September last, you were expected to preach in Bury-Street Chapel. I had heard you some years before, and always found you profitable to my soul. this time I had a longing desire to hear you, and thought it long before the evening came, as I was in great distress of soul about the uncertainty of my state, with which I could not rest satisfied. As I walked on my way to the chapel, I prayed, (yes, it was prayer, Sir, for God heard and answered,) "O Lord, direct thy dear servant to speak to my case, and let him this night be made the happy and honoured instrument of bringing me into the liberty of the gospel, by assuring me, through thy word that he may preach, that thou hast chosen me and redeemed me with thy precious blood! Give me, O Lord, this night,

At

the knowledge of salvation by the remission of my sins by the precious application of the blood of Christ!" O bless his precious name, it was like ointment poured fourth. That night you took your text from Isaiah xxxiii. 20, "Look upon Zion," &c., and truly I found the precious power of God the Holy Ghost manifested in the description of those solemnities, and particularly when you spoke of what my dear Lord Jesus had done for that city. But for me to be made to believe that I was one for whom it was done; for all my guilt to be lost while contemplating by precious faith the solemnity of Christ Jesus my Lord in his blood-shedding and death; for me to be made sensible that the solemn work of the adorable Saviour was the end of the law for me, and constituted my entire and perfect righteousness; for one so vile, so filthy, so ungrateful, to draw near to a holy God without any of those slavish fears I had laboured under so long; all this, and much more than my tongue can utter, or my pen describe, so filled my soul with divine love, that all torment was cast out, and my soul rested in deep humility before God. I could only groan out my praise for some time, for words I could not find, and tears only spoke outwardly the joys and grief of my inmost soul. But O the peace that entered my heart! Where was the world? Where was anything that savoured not of my dear crucified and risen Lord? They were lost in the inexpressible depths of love to my soul. I went in the strength of that meat many days, but I still find the same enemies in the land, and they make me mourn at times like a dove, especially when the light of his face is withheld. When this is the case, I am my old self again, and only a manifestation of his love, as at first, can put all right again. I am never easy till I have found him whom my soul loveth; and when this is the case, I charge my sins not to disturb my love till he pleases. I have often to mourn the wretched unbelief that hides him from my view. In short, I find that it is life and peace to be kept spiritually minded, and to be carnally minded is death. I have been led to write to you, Sir, from a sincere desire of affording you some little encouragement in the work, if the Lord will add his blessing; and I believe he will, for the apostle's exhortation was forcibly impressed on my mind, where he says, "Let him that is taught in the word communicate unto him that teacheth;" and it was made out to me that you were the person. I wish only to spend my life in the service of God and his dear people, with whom I wish to live and die.

May the Lord bless you and strengthen you for the work. May he give you to be the instrument of turning many to light who were eternally ordained to eternal life; and that you may be blessed with a sense of the divine love and presence continually, is and shall be the prayer, when the Spirit of truth gives utterance, of the greatest sinner saved by free and unmerited grace, that is in Christ Jesus our dear Lord.

London.

THE NOISE OF STRANGERS.

J. T.

"Thou shalt bring down the noise of strangers, as the heat in a dry place." Before a man is taught of the Lord, there is no acquaintance nor understanding. The ox and the ass are pointed to as his superior in this respect. The Holy Ghost brings down the noise of strangers in the soul; such as pride, wisdom; strength, forwardness, assurance, &c, and puts in the family cry, anoints the eyes of the under

« PreviousContinue »